I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
