Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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