I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
