I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
