so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
