if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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