I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
