I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
