The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
