All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
