the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
