And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
