do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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