he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
