Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Four minutes until I can fart!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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