this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
