in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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