I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
