He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
