Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
