my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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