dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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