you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
