so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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