I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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