how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
