I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
