can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
