Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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