Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The struggles of a small town man whore
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
