Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
