my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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