So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
