i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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