is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
