I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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