Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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