you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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