Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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