be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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