She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
