Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
