nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
