I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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