why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
