I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Your tits are I can't wait for
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
