Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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