There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
