Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
