Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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