Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize