So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
