My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
