yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im part way to drunk.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
