I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
