I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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