I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize