new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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